A Crisis of Masculinity

My heart is aching tonight. I have experienced the hardest and most devastating end to a relationship in my life. In my grief, I have been privileged to talk to so many women who date men. What we have all shared, anecdotally at least, is the knowledge that dating is incredibly challenging right now.

Men are not doing well. 

I have lived much of my life in the world of men. I have known and loved so many men in so many ways. Relatives, friends, mentors, lovers, partners, even a husband! When I was living as a man, I witnessed and participated in the ritual of self sabotage that I see men commit every day. I worked so hard to be strong because I was so afraid of my own weakness. Shame drove me to hide myself away, and live only in shallow connections that didn’t challenge my safe little shell. 

As I softened and grew my capacity to acknowledge my pain, shame, and shortcomings, I continued to love and admire men. Those who I have loved most dearly, who I have wanted to know at the deepest level, have all found ways to keep themselves at an arms length from me. I can feel the moment I get too close. The walls start to close in. Some of those men simply turned away from me, but many who wanted me to stay but didn’t want to be seen chose to hurt me instead. 

This experience feels nearly universal for all of the women I know. It feels especially potent for the women I know who date and partner with men. The tale of opening ourselves and showing our inner workings to men, and as soon as we ask for reciprocation there is avoidance, abandonment, or worse. I could write a whole piece on how devastating it is to experience that, 

But tonight my heart aches, not for me and my sisters, but for the men who remain lonesome, trapped in cycles of self-sabotage and shame. These men who continue to seek love but won’t let themselves receive it. They do not want help, even when it is offered. They do not wish to grow and evolve. They don’t want to experience the breaking open that it takes to accept love so that you can give it in return. 

I get it, in a way. The journey I have been on in the pursuit of meaningful connection has been radically painful. I sought love in religion, sex, work, and relationship only to learn at every turn that I had to love myself first. It is a lonely, long, and challenging road to accept yourself and find yourself worthy of sweetness and affection even when all your scars are on display. 

However, it isn’t less painful to stay safe within your shell. Loneliness will eat you alive, and eventually your coping mechanisms will break down your physical well being. Our bodies can only last for so long, and to perish without learning to allow yourself true, deep, unconditional connection is a travesty. 

We will one day become dust, and then shortly after we will be forgotten. But in our short little lives, to burn and be seen and be loved for your warmth and beauty? That is all I can ask for! It would be so worth it, to have stayed on this planet and simply to be loved as I am. 

To all the men I have loved, I wish the same for you. I wish for you to see in yourself all the beauty I got to witness. I hope the next woman who sees you stripped bare and doesn’t turn away is allowed to continue looking. 

You are a wonder.